I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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