I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
