Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
