I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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