Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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