just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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