don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
