If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
