ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
