I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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