my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
