Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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