She is in my trunk
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
