He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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