It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
When are your genitals available?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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