I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
