Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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