I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
