Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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