filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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