Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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