Where did you get a picture of my penis
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My vagina is officially offended.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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