I CAN MOONWALK!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
