worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
how drunk are you?
Several
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
