Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
