I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I cockslap morals
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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