worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
