Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
