Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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