:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The uberlube is also flammable
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
