I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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