yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
