i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
