god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
