im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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