Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
