Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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