So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My life is pants optional.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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