if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
