Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
