Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
