we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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