everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think i got beer on your cat.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
