nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
