You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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