god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
