It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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