Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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