ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
