I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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