so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
