Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
